


Still and Quiet

by RenegadeDreamer



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: (well the aftermath thereof), Angst, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 23:18:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14436303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RenegadeDreamer/pseuds/RenegadeDreamer
Summary: Silence has a way of amplifying one's strongest emotions and greatest regrets.





	Still and Quiet

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically an interlude for [Breaking Point](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14202801) (it takes place after the rest of Quartet Night find Reiji), though I tried to write it so it'd still make sense even if you haven't read it. I hadn't intended on adding more to that story, but this scene wedged itself into my head and this was the result (sorry you couldn't escape the angst Ai).

Still. 

Quiet. 

The two things Reiji never was. Yet here he was, laying there so still and quiet. 

Reiji was never still. He was seemingly constantly in motion, darting from place to place. Waving his hands when he had an idea he was excited about and wanted to get their attention. Punctuating his speeches with grand sweeping gestures and arms spread wide open. Pumping his fists in the air while cheering someone on or after a performance he felt especially excited about (considering how often he did it, that was all of them). Shaking those maracas so often Ai was surprised no one had taken them and hit him over the head with them yet. Ai had tried to hide them more than once, but Reiji would always find them somehow.

Reiji was certainly never quiet. Whenever he called for one of them (with those nicknames he’d made up for each of them, naturally) he could be heard across the room. If they let him, he’d babble for hours about an idea he had for a song, some choreography, or an group bonding activity. While the former two often had merit, the last one was always shut down quickly. Without his mouth lifted into a smile or running a mile a minute prattling on about whatever topic he had latched onto for the moment, he almost looked like a stranger. Ai reached out and brushed some stray hairs out of the comatose man’s face. The irony that Reiji was now in the same state as the dear friend he’d tried to give his life to reunite with and yet still couldn’t reach him was not lost on Ai.

Ai and Dr. Kisaragi had worked for hours to purge the rest of the horrible combination of drugs and alcohol Reiji had ingested. He was extraordinarily fortunate to have remained unconscious throughout the process. The doctor had praised Ai’s quick thinking when they had first found Reiji, both in his first aid efforts and in bringing the prescription bottle so they knew exactly what he took, saying thanks to those factors there would be no long term effects once Reiji woke up.

If he woke up.

_“I’m so glad I got to meet you all. I wouldn’t take back any of the time we spent together.”_

How could he still say that, after all the times they’d been so harsh and cold to him and told him they weren’t friends? Yet there it was, in his handwriting, right in the letter he’d left for the rest of Quartet Night Ai was holding. There was no trace of resentment in that letter, only apologies and well wishes. Those words were so warm, but undeniably a goodbye.

Ai wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

The more he stared at the still and quiet form in front of him, the deeper that realization sunk in. Even Camus and Ranmaru seemed somber after reading the letters and during their visits in the following days, too subdued for even their usual bickering. They’d also opened the other two letters not addressed to them in an attempt to find more answers. The letter to Otoya and Tokiya contained encouragement and attempts to impart last bits of wisdom, words of a devoted mentor to the end. The letter to Aine had provided the most insight, containing the regrets Reiji had secretly carried for so long and his promises to rectify them - the reasons he was in his current state. Ai had had to explain to Camus and Ranmaru about Aine being a former idol who had committed suicide (and, as he’d learned from Aine’s lamenting, that he’d called Reiji right beforehand - Ai privately cursed himself for his own ignorance and failure to put the pieces together sooner). However, he’d left out the parts about Aine being saved by his uncle, him currently being in a coma, and the fact that their minds were linked. Part of that was due to Ai wanting to consult with the doctor first before revealing those things to anyone, and part of that was due to it feeling wrong for Reiji to be the last to know, especially given the lengths the older man had gone to for Aine’s sake. A third, somewhat selfish, part was not wanting his identity further entwined with Aine’s than it already was, wanting to be seen as Ai Mikaze, not Aine Kisaragi’s replacement (despite that being the reason he was built).

In a way, Reiji had gotten his wish. They were all united now, in their wish for him to come back. But the group didn’t feel cohesive without the glue that bound them together. The heart that beat warmth into them with laughter and smiles.

The ever-present voice in the back of his head droned on and on, presently a wordless cacophony of despair. His only clear thought had been the shout of Reiji’s name when they’d first found him. Ai thought he’d heard some cursing of Reiji over his misguidedness and the phrase _‘you idiot you weren’t supposed to try to follow me’_. While he was treating Reiji the chant _‘don’t die don’t die don’t die’_ ran through his head, though how much of that was Aine and how much of that was his own thoughts Ai wasn’t sure. Probably an equal mix of both. Usually Ai could ignore Aine’s voice as white noise, but without any other sounds to distract him from it other than the intermittent beeping of the machines, it grated on him.

“Shut up. If you’re not going to do anything, just…shut up. It’s your fault he’s like this.”

That cut through the din. _‘I…w-what?’_

“Look at him! He did this for you! Do you not see? Every day, he looks at me and sees you in me, even when he tries to hide and deny it! And yet you still refuse to wake up!” Half of Ai wanted Aine to just wake up already so he’d no longer have to have him rattling around in his head constantly. The other half didn’t want his place in the world supplanted. He quickly pushed both thoughts out of his head, having no inclination to deal with those conflicting desires.

He felt that other presence in his mind flare up. _‘Then maybe you should’ve treated him better! You think I didn’t see you join in with those other two when they were ganging up on Reiji?’_

“What about you? You’ve seen everything that’s happening and you continue to hide. You saw the letter he wrote to you.“ To emphasize his point, Ai switched to looking at the letter Reiji had addressed to Aine. While Camus had been the one to find the letters, Ai had asked him for them one night when they were both home (a rare occurrence, given how often they all went about their daily lives separately outside of work, and especially with Ai spending more time at the lab with Reiji). He'd simply handed them over, no questions asked, though he had briefly put a hand on Ai's shoulder. Neither he nor his bandmates (outside of Reiji) ever expressed much of their inner thoughts, so the quiet gesture of comfort spoke volumes. Ai was glad to have them now, Reiji’s final words - no, he corrected himself with a shake of his head. Not final. Reiji was an endless fountain of words. There were no such thing as final words from him. Ai would see to that as much as he could.

A recoil. _‘He- no, no, it was never his fault. I never blamed him. He certainly didn’t KILL me. All this time he was blaming himself and suffering so much because of me…I never wanted- Oh God, Reiji…’_

“Then tell him that yourself.”

He felt Aine withdraw and curl up in himself. _‘This is…my fault. I did this to him. I…I can’t face him…’_ He said nothing else, and Ai felt no need to try to talk with him further right then.

_“You know I’ve always got your back, right? You can ask me anything.”_

Guilt lanced through Ai as he remembered all the times he, along with Camus and Ranmaru, had brushed off Reiji’s outreaches of friendship. How they’d dismissed his pouts and tears as he whined about them being cold. Yet he kept trying, over and over and over. None of them ever realized how deeply their rejections cut and how they had been slowly killing him inside even as he’d tried to let everything roll off his back with a smile. They’d all taken him for granted. And it had finally taken its toll on him.

It wasn’t Aine’s fault. At least not entirely. 

It was his.

“Hey…Reiji…I’ve got a question. Was this…my fault? Did I do this to you?” He waited a while for an answer, but silence was the only response he received. “Hey…answer me…I’m asking you a question now, it’s rude to not answer…you said I could ask you anything…”

Something in Ai snapped. He followed Ranmaru’s example from when they had first found Reiji on his bed and grabbed his shoulders and shook him hard, disregarding the wires connected to the machines monitoring him and keeping him alive. “Wake up! Wake up! Please! You have to answer me! You can’t…you can’t…”

“Ai? What’s the matter?” Dr. Kisaragi had come to investigate the source of the yelling and found Ai slumped over Reiji’s unconscious form and grasping his shoulders. Usually Ai was quiet and methodical in everything he did, including when he was assisting him with Reiji’s treatments. So seeing the android reduced to his current state was quite a jarring sight. The doctor thought he could see a bit of his nephew in Ai at that moment.

“Wake up…wake up…please…you have to…wake…up…”

“Ai.” The doctor put a hand on Ai’s shoulder. “You need to rest. He’s stable right now, so there’s no need to worry.”

“No. No. I can’t. I can’t rest. Not until he wakes up.”

“We’re doing everything we can, he should wake up eventually-“

Ai straightened and whirled to face Dr. Kisaragi. “Then when?!”

“I don’t know, but-”

“You don’t know. We’re doing everything we can. But what good is that doing him? What good has that done Aine?”

At the last sentence the doctor lowered his head and shut his eyes tightly. Another pang of guilt shot through Ai, and he bowed his head. “I-I apologize, doctor. That was horribly out of line. I know you really are doing all you can. And we're quite grateful you were willing to take him in and treat him.”

Dr. Kisaragi looked at him with tired, sad eyes and tried to force a smile. “No, it’s alright.” He put a hand on Ai’s shoulder. “Just…please, get some rest. You won’t be able to do anything for him if you collapse yourself.” 

Ai looked at the floor, head hanging low. “I…alright, doctor.”

The doctor patted his shoulder and checked the readings on the machines connected to Reiji, looked over Reiji himself, then left the room again.

Ai sat in the chair next to the bed and took Reiji’s hand in his, recalling images of patients’ loved ones holding their hand he’d seen in the course of his research of ways to rouse someone from a coma. “I…I’m your friend. We’re friends. I’ll…I’ll do everything I can to be a good friend if- when you wake up.” When, he repeated to himself. _When_. He refused to believe otherwise. The doctor was seldom wrong. The data was on his side. “I’ll be there for you. I’ll research all the ways to be a better friend.” 

_“Hey Ai-Ai! Let’s bring Camus and Ranmaru here sometime!”_

Ai recalled the almost childlike enthusiasm in Reiji’s face and voice as he suggested yet another group bonding activity, despite all his previous attempts getting shot down. He felt his systems begin to overheat (whether it was from overtaxing himself or something else Ai didn’t know) remembering how brightly Reiji had smiled that day, how his eyes lit up in excitement, and how he held his hand as he excitedly pulled him towards different rides. Even after he’d begun to feel queasy from the multiple rounds Ai had insisted on, he still tried to maintain a brave face and accommodate Ai’s curiosity about the rides. Despite the fact they were there for work, Ai managed to forget about the cameras and crew and enjoy himself. Ai realized he’d give anything to hear Reiji’s voice again. His laugh. Even those infuriating maracas he loved to shake so much.

Ai gave Reiji’s hand a squeeze, disappointed but unsurprised to not receive a squeeze back. “I’ll get Camus and Ranmaru to go to the amusement park with us. So please…Reiji…”

His friend’s name was the last thing on his lips as he slipped into sleep mode, joining him in the still and quiet.


End file.
